The Ultimate Battleship
by The Evil Author
Summary: Third in the Ultimate Scooby Gang series. The gang deals with their ultimate relationship issues.
1. Pairing Up

Title: The Ultimate Battleship, Part 1 - Ships in Port  
  
Author: Nopporn Wongrassamee aka The Evil Author  
  
Summary: Third in the Ultimate Scooby Gang series. The gang deals with their ultimate relationship issues.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to whoever owns them. I'm just too lazy to look up who they are.  
  
Lucien Lacroix did not like this new vampire. He brooded too much, reminding Lacroix too much of his lost Nicolas.  
  
"So, what brings you Toronto?" Lacroix asked as he wiped a glass. He occasionally tended bar for amusement. The younger vampire sat across from him nursing a drink.  
  
"I have some of my paintings on display at the local art fair," the younger vampire explained. He opened a sketchbook and showed its contents to Lacroix. The drawings were quite good. "My art reflects my somber personality. It's an expression of all my pain and regrets accumulated from my two and a half centuries of existence." The younger vampire leaned in close. "Also, I'm hoping to meet some really hot chicks."  
  
Lacroix raised an eyebrow.  
  
"Hey," the artist said, flashing an arrogant grin that was entirely at odds with his previous somber manner, "girls just love the dark loner guy."  
  
Yes, Lacroix definitely did not like this vampire.  
  
***  
  
Aboard a nameless Firefly class transport, a scream echoed through the corridors.  
  
"Willow!" Buffy called in concern as she ripped the bathroom door off its hinges. The scream had originated from there. "Are you okay?"  
  
"Oh!" Willow exclaimed, startled. "Sorry, Buff. We had a quiet moment and I tried a spell to fix my hair and you see."  
  
"It's green now," Buffy observed. "Sort of a nice shimmering emerald green. Looks good, Willow, very punk."  
  
"I was trying to turn it red again," Willow wailed. "I can do spells to flatten evil twins and blow demons away at will, but I can't fix my hair. Why can't I fix my hair? It seems like the."  
  
"Willow, calm down," Buffy told her friend, placing her hands on the witch's shoulders. "Focus. We'll deal with your hair do when we're less busy."  
  
"Less busy?" Willow repeated.  
  
The whole ship rattled and the screech of metal tearing could be heard.  
  
"Guys," Xander's voice came over the intercom, "we're not getting any deeper than this. All these tentacle things have grabbed hold of the ship."  
  
"Okay, Xand," Buffy acknowledged, using a nearby communications panel to reply. Wonders of wonders, she didn't accidentally smash it. "Get down to the cargo bay. We'll meet you there." She turned back to Willow. "Busy. As in busy taking out a giant, planet eating machine from the inside with some kind of fancy super bomb."  
  
"Oh yeah," Willow said. "Right, let's go."  
  
***  
  
"So how's the gizmo, Watcherman?" Xander was asking as Buffy and Willow arrived. Aside from the gang, only two things stood in the ship's spacious cargo bay. One was the TARDIS, the gang's primary means of interdimensional transport. The other was a six foot tall cylinder that they had "liberated" from another reality.  
  
"The Device is fully functional," the Watcher replied. He pointed at a big, red button labeled ON. "Once activated, we will have five minutes to depart. And do not call me 'Watcherman'."  
  
"Cool," Buffy said. Without warning, her hand flashed out and hit the ON switch. The crystal globe at the cylinder's center started glowing.  
  
"Once started, the process cannot be stopped," the Watcher said, appalled.  
  
"What, we need five minutes to get in there and get gone?" Buffy asked, pointing at the TARDIS. It was only five feet away.  
  
The ship shook again, and more metal screeched. A rent appeared in one of the walls. Readying their various weapons, the gang was surprised when a seemingly ordinary wolf with silvery fur squeezed through the crack in the hull.  
  
"That is not a real wolf," Willow proclaimed when she focused her magical senses on it.  
  
As if in reply, the faux wolf changed, parts of it folding and unfolding into a humanoid robot form. The robot pulled out a gun, turned, and shot up some metal tentacles that tried to follow it inside. It turned to look back towards them.  
  
"Can I get a lift out of here?" the robot asked.  
  
***  
  
Unicron, devourer of worlds, orbited above the planet called Earth. Earth held vast quantities of valuable Energon deep in its crust. Turning its vast maw toward the planet, Unicron practically ignored the pitiful defenses thrown up by the natives and their Cybertronian allies.  
  
Then the world bot shuddered. A pinprick of brilliant light appeared in Unicron's side, spreading inside and on the surface at tremendous velocity. A psychic roar was cut off as Unicron and anyone who was much too close was entirely consumed.  
  
Within hours, Earth had a new moon, a little worldlet teeming with plant life created by the Genesis Device.  
  
***  
  
In another reality, there was an Earth without transforming robots, starships, or semi-annual apocalypses. This Earth did have vampires though. The Raven, owned and operated by one Lucien Lacroix, was a hang out for these vampires. The Raven had been many things over the years. It had been a Goth nightclub under the previous owner. When Lacroix had acquired ownership, he had changed it into a strip joint. These days, the Raven was a coffee house, serving some exotic blends to the vampire customers.  
  
Lacroix's quiet conversation was interrupted when a boisterous crowd burst in through the door. They were a mixed looking group. One young woman with blonde hair was dressed in form fitting leather pants and vest with an ornate axe slung across her back. The other woman in her sweater and jeans would have been more conservative except that her hair was a glaring shade of neon pink and green stripes. The young man all in black with coat and sunglasses looked like something out of a movie. The older man was flamboyantly dressed in a mix of styles that even Lacroix knew were centuries out of date. A wolf followed the quartet to their table.  
  
Sitting at their table, the strange group seemed to be having fun. Lacroix's vampire hearing picked up fragments of their conversation. They seemed to be celebrating some kind of victory.  
  
"Friends of yours?" the artist asked Lacroix as the young man left to go to the rest room.  
  
"No," Lacroix replied. "I have never seen them before."  
  
"Good, then your don't mind if I." The artist trailed off with a suggestive gesture.  
  
"Er, did you guys know that this place is full of vampires?" Lacroix overheard the girl with the exotic hair say to her companions.  
  
"Yeah, isn't it great?" the blonde replied enthusiastically. "After drinks, we can go slaughter them all."  
  
Almost every conversation in the Raven ground to a halt.  
  
"Buffy, I think they can hear you," the older man said nervously.  
  
"Yeah, so?" Buffy said, completely unconcerned.  
  
"Speaking as one concerned primarily with his own skin," the older man continued, "you might want to reconsider. The vampires of this reality are a relatively placid lot, not inclined to kill humans or world domination. They even have what you primitives call souls."  
  
"So, no vampire slaying?" Buffy said slowly.  
  
"Only in self defense," the other girl said.  
  
"Fine, ruin my fun. Only in self defense," Buffy pouted.  
  
As conversations slowly resumed throughout the Raven, Lacroix noticed that many vampires moved to tables farther from the strange group.  
  
***  
  
Stepping into the alley behind the Raven, Xander took a quick look around. It was dark and he didn't see anybody. But someone was here. Xander could sense the buzz of another Immortal. He drew his sword from the folds of his coat.  
  
"Who are you, boy?" a harsh but feminine voice demanded from the shadows. It was naggingly familiar, but Xander couldn't quite identify it.  
  
"Xander Harris, formerly of Sunnydale," Xander replied. There was a moment of silence. "Are you going to tell me who you are or are you just going to ambush me from the shadows?"  
  
"Ambush? Please, I am not some weak woman who needs to cheat to get her heads," sneered the other Immortal as she stepped from the shadows. Xander's jaw dropped when he saw her. "I am Anyanka Aud of Norway," she proclaimed, leveling her broadsword at him. "Are you prepared to defend your Quickening?"  
  
***  
  
"So, what's your name?" Willow asked the robot wolf when Buffy got up to get more drinks. "I can't believe we forgot to ask up until now."  
  
"It's okay," the robot replied, shrugging. It looked impressive considering that he was still in wolf form. "I'm Ozitron. Friends call me Oz."  
  
***  
  
"Hey, could we get another round of cappuccinos?" Buffy said to Lacroix when she got to the bar.  
  
"Of course," Lacroix replied smoothly as he began putting together her order. "I trust you'll refrain from - ahem - slaughtering us all?"  
  
"Yeah, yeah, don't remind me," Buffy said grumpily. She turned and noticed the vampire artist who was busy trying to make himself invisible. Lacroix saw Buffy's mood apparently do a complete one eighty. "Hi, I'm Buffy," she said to the artist in a cheerful voice. "Have we met before?"  
  
"Er, no, we haven't," the artist replied. Then seeing that a beautiful woman appeared to be smitten with him, the artist grew more confident. "I'm Angel." 


	2. Plaht Bunnies

The Ultimate Battleship Part 2  
  
By Nopporn Wongrassamee  
  
Summary: Third in the Ultimate Scooby Gang series. The gang deals with their ultimate relationship issues.  
  
Disclaimer: The characters and settings belong to whoever owns them. I'm just too lazy to look up who they are.  
  
"They're here!"  
  
"They're here?"  
  
"How can they be here? They do not exist in this reality."  
  
"Who cares? They just are!"  
  
"Who are they?" the Advisor asked. The others turned and stared at him as if he was a strange alien creature completely oblivious to the local culture. Which he was.  
  
Being the only human among these... creatures, the Advisor wondered what they were chattering about. His hosts had varied and bizarre obsessions that were barely comprehensible to the human mind. The Advisor wondered what had set them off this time.  
  
One of the critters twitched a whisker. He recalled that this one was named Malana. "How can you not know them?" Malana asked, her long ears lowered in mourning of the Advisor's ignorance.  
  
"Sorry, I'm only human," the Advisor said tersely. "Now who were we talking about?"  
  
"Why, the Scooby Gang of course," several of the creatures replied.  
  
"Oh, them," the Advisor grumbled. Having lived with these guys – they called themselves the Plaht - for so long, the Advisor was sick of hearing about the Scooby Gang. Not that his hosts noticed; they were rabid fans.  
  
"What is their status?" one of the others – the Advisor thought he was Guffey - asked.  
  
"Single!" replied Arieanna.  
  
"What? All of them?" exclaimed Kamikaze in amazement.  
  
"Yes, all of them!"  
  
"No!" the crowd gasped in horror. But their eyes belied their words, lighting up with what the Advisor recognized as the realization of opportunity. Babbling suggestions immediately flooded the area. Some even hopped from foot to foot in joy.  
  
"We can't let this go on!"  
  
"We must help them."  
  
"I have just the significant other for Willow. He..."  
  
"No, no. You gotta pair her with..."  
  
***  
"So basically, you guys run all over the multiverse offing bad guys?" Ozitron asked as he took a sip from his latte. He was in wolf form, presenting a strange picture to the onlookers. "Hey, this is good."  
  
"Yup," Willow replied. "Although we usually go after the really Big Bads, and we wind up causing a lot of property damage, but hey, property damage was no problem last time because the property WAS the Big Bad, and what's your deal?"  
  
If Ozitron was taken aback by Willow's babble, he didn't show it. Instead he just gave a wolfy shrug. "I'm a Transformer," he said simply.  
  
"You know, you could be a bit more forthcoming on the information," Willow said to him. "Like, what exactly is a Transformer, what were you doing on Unicron, why are you disguised as a wolf which I must say is a pretty good one cause just looking at you I can't tell that you're more than a wolf without magic and of God, I'm babbling, why don't you stop me?"  
  
"I like it when you babble," Ozitron replied.  
  
"This is really freaky," Willow commented.  
  
"What is?" he asked.  
  
"I dated a guy named Oz once," Willow told him. "It was years ago in my home universe."  
  
"So?"  
  
"He was a werewolf."  
  
"Oh." There was a few moments of silence as Ozitron digested that fact. Finally, he asked, "What's a werewolf?"  
  
***  
  
"...perfect for Buffy, not like..."  
  
"...but Buffy is obviously his sister. Let's put her with his best friend..."  
  
The Advisor gritted his teeth at the sound of Buffy's name.  
  
"...make Buffy his daughter instead. Then she can..."  
  
***  
  
"So, Angel, what are you doing in..." Buffy paused. She turned to the Bartender. "What city are we in again?"  
  
"Toronto," Lacroix supplied helpfully.  
  
"Right, thanks." Buffy turned back to Angel. "So what brings you to Toronto, Angel?"  
  
"Art show. I do art," Angel replied spastically, temporarily disconcerted by Buffy's odd question. How could she not know what city she was in? He tried to regain his equilibrium. "And you?" Oh, yes. That was suave.  
  
"Celebrating a victory over the latest Big Bad." At Angel's confused look, Buffy explained further. "There was this moon-sized demon thingy that was about to devour the Earth. My friends and I stopped it."  
  
"Really? Where?" Angel was pretty sure he sounded sincere, hard as it may be hearing her ludicrous story.  
  
"In an alternate universe," Buffy replied. "I think you gotta take the left at Albuquerque to get there. Or something like that. But enough about me, you said you do art?"  
  
"Uh, yeah, I mean yes!" Angel replied, snapping out of a twilight zone fugue. They were now on a subject that he was fairly confident about: himself. "I draw, sketch, paint. I have some pieces entered into a big art show."  
  
"Wow," Buffy said. She didn't actually seem to be impressed, but Angel had her undivided attention anyway. Maybe he was more charming than he thought. "Can I see some of your work?"  
  
"Certainly," Angel replied, smiling. "I have a lot of stuff back at my hotel room. I'd love to show you." He stood up from his bar stool and offered his hand. "Would you like to come and see?"  
  
"I'd love to," Buffy said, smiling in return and taking his hand. As they left the Raven, Buffy added, "And Angel? No biting on the first date."  
  
***  
  
"...ought to be with Xander not..."  
  
"...but Xander is obviously meant to be with..."  
  
"...she has to attempt kill him at least once..."  
  
The Advisor shook his head. How the heck did Xander manage to survive all this time in the company of a Slayer? It was enough to make the Advisor jealous.  
  
"...and then make up afterwards..."  
  
***  
  
"That is the craziest story I had ever heard," Anya scoffed after Xander explained his origins. "Do you really expect me to believe that?"  
  
"It's true, Anya," Xander replied. "In fact, we..."  
  
A tinny musical score interrupted him.  
  
"Hold on a sec," Anya told Xander as she drew a cell phone from her coat and answered. "Hello? Clem? Yeah, dump the Enron stock, all of it... I don't care how well their stock prices are doing, that growth rate in the last quarter was pretty fishy... just sell the stock, Clem. Bye."  
  
"Gee, Ahn," Xander drawled as Anya put away the phone. "It's nice to know that some things never change, regardless of what universe I'm in."  
  
"And how do you know so much about me?"  
  
"Would you believe we were engaged to be married in my home reality?" Xander asked.  
  
"No," snorted Anya. She frowned. "What do you mean by 'were engaged'? What happened?"  
  
"I, ah, got cold feet," Xander mumbled.  
  
"Typical male," Anya muttered.  
  
"Y'know, if we're not going to try to kill each other, maybe we ought to hold this conversation inside," Xander suggested, waxing at the Raven's back entrance. "C'mon, I'll buy you a mocha."  
  
"Hey, you do realize that this coffee shop is a vampire hangout, right?"  
  
"Yeah, definitely taking at least a couple stars off its quality rating for that one," Xander replied. "What's your point?"  
  
"Just wanted to be clear that you knew what you were walking into," Anya said. "Besides, I'm working and my target is in there."  
  
"Target?"  
  
"I'm a bounty hunter of sorts," Anya explained. "There's a vampire in there who left a lot of broken hearts behind him. A few of them hired me to take off his head."  
  
"Ooh, avenging scorned women?" Xander said. "Who's the lucky slob?"  
  
"He's called Angelus."  
  
***  
  
"...don't forget Giles! Can't leave him by..."  
  
The Advisor rolled his eyes at the antics of the Plaht. They had all this tremendous power and all they could think to do with it was play matchmaker. Truth be told, they didn't really understand human behavior. That was why he was there.  
  
A high pitched, very loud whistle pierced the noisy debate, bringing it to a staggering halt. With their sensitive ears, the Plaht all winced in pain. They all turned their attention to the Advisor.  
  
"Listen up, folks!" the Advisor called out. "I'm your expert on human behavior, right? Let me do the matchmaking for you. I'll guarantee that I'll make all your wishes come true."  
  
"You would do this?" asked Chelle.  
  
"Of course," Demadavis said, nodding sagely. "You have a personal stake in this."  
  
"You bet your furry hide I do," the Advisor replied.  
  
As the Plaht considered, the Advisor saw that he had won them over. They were just convincing themselves that it was their own idea. He smirked. Oh, he would give the Plaht everything they wanted all right. At the same time, the Advisor would get his revenge on the Scooby Gang as well.  
  
Author's Note: I would like to thank the following for the use of their names.  
  
Arieanna Denise Davis (Demadavis) Kelsey Brennan (Kamikaze) Malana Michelle (Chelle) Troy Guffey 


End file.
